Today I missed a call from a recruitment consultant who'd followed his call up with an email advertising a job in an office (I won't bore you with the details). I haven't had a CV in about 4 years, so I have no idea what he's looking at when he is telling me this job with fulltiltpoker.com is the perfect opportunity for me. Here is my reply. I will let you know if he responds to it. I'm guessing he won't.




Neil,

Thank you for the heads up for this job opportunity. The benefits do, indeed, sound wonderful. A free lunch AND a gym on the premises? It's amazing anyone ever leaves the office! Or is that the point?

I'm afraid my CV is terribly out of date. In fact, I don't even have a CV any more. Three years ago I decided I'd had enough fun analysing invoices and contracts for multinational corporations and commuting 4 hours a day from and then back to the Dublin suburbs. I never saw my child, but of course I had the great privilege of dealing with ambitious wankers all day every day. Loathe as I was to leave such a fulfilling life behind, I took the decision to move to a tiny village in the countryside and open my own book and music shop/art gallery/café. The money's terrible, there's no pension or opportunities for advancement, no sick pay or paid annual leave, a 6 or 7 day working week, and...sadly...no gym. But just wait for the perks:

30 second commute door to door

flexible working hours (this is at the management's, i.e. my, discretion)

I get to chat with friends and neighbours all day every day

I go home for lunch, put my feet up and watch Home & Away

I'm sick of the sight of my child, whom I spend far too much quality time with

there are very few wankers, but when they do turn up I can (and do) tell them to piss off with impunity

unlimited days annual leave (unpaid, but unlimited all the same)

casual dress code (in fact, I've just decided clothing is optional because I can do that)

unlimited use of books, coffee, cake, CDs and artworks (and the finest hot chocolate in Ireland)

no yearly managerial evaluations where both of us have to pretend I'm working toward advancement and care about the direction of the company

no corporate bullshit

no spurious 'team-building' exercises

did I mention the lack of wankers?

the knowledge that people really do value what I do for the first time in my working life

the knowledge that I really do value what I do for the first time in my working life

I should probably tell you now, since we're being honest with each other, that the CV you have on file for me is probably full of lies and inflated job descriptions. I would assume most of the CVs you have to look at every day are, too. Just keeping it real, Neil. I suppose you'd better delete my CV now. It's no good to you or me. If you ever find yourself passing through Deadikins's village, do drop into Deadikins's shop and I'll treat you to one of my world famous hot chocolates.



Best regards,
Deadikins

PS Have a look at idlefoundation.net for another perspective.

- 9DaysDead